When the common man finds sudden celebrity status, such as an X Factor winner or a TOWIE star plucked from the Sugar Hut and into the public spotlight, they are often said to receive training to help respond to the endless and repetitive questioning from the media.
Currently there is no such training for gay people… What are you talking about, you might ask? Well the truth is…when straight people meet a gay person, there is an innocent inquisitiveness and line of questioning that we are all fully prepared for.
None of the following questions or statements are offensive to gay people, but be prepared for the witty responses, as we will have heard them at least 37 million times since coming out…….
1) I always knew you were gay!
“Your mum didn’t say that last night!”
Congratulations- you guessed someone was gay before they came out!!…. You Win…NOTHING!
2) I would never have thought you were gay….you seem so straight!
“Im not gay I just help them out when they’re busy! And I love being kept busy”. How does a gay person look? We’re not all mild mannered jessies with vest tops, fabulous shoes and a quiche in the oven.
3) How long have you been gay?
“To answer your question literally….birth. If you mean when did I realise I was gay, then the answer is…when I bought my first Liza Minnelli album.”
4) Don’t you miss vaginas?
“Like a cat with no neck misses licking it’s own arsehole, mate if I wanted to see a gunshot wound in a gorilla’s back, I’d go and visit Cincinnati Zoo.”
5) Do you want to be a woman?
“Hell no! …and have to worry about wearing tight trousers in public in case it looks like I’m smuggling yoyo’s. …no! ..and who bleeds for a whole week and doesn’t die?”
6) Come to girls night!
“I don’t have a vagina…. and your face offends me!”
7) Im here with my gay friend… but I’m straight!
Oh you’re straight are you?….well so is spaghetti until it gets wet..have a good night!
8) Gay Guys love me !
“Yes…and that is why god created gay men…so ugly girls could dance!”
9) Oh I have a friend who is gay…I love gay people…im not homophobic!
“Are you still talking?, I have wooden flooring but Im not rugphobic”
10) Are your parents disappointed you won’t have children?
“I’d give you a dirty look, but you already have one!, are your parents disappointed that you’ll never be the man your mother is?”
11) We must go shopping, you have such good fashion sense!
“No those trousers don’t make you look any fatter! How could they?” (psst.. let me let you in on a secret…gay men HATE shopping with women unless they are finished super quickly so that they can get back to shopping for themselves).
12) Do you wear make-up?
“Yes maybe you should try some…I love what you have done with your hair… how do you get it coming out of your nose like that?”
13) I loved your Wedding…it was just the same as a normal Wedding (..yes this was actually said at our wedding)
“Damn I knew I shouldn’t have worn a dress……Your village called…they want their idiot back.”
14) Im gutted you’re gay it’s such a waste- you could have any girl you wanted!
“Blame the straight people, they are the ones giving birth to gay babies.” Sorry I am off limits to women..but Im making the most of my gay bubble….I live in a gay house, I drive a gay car and I eat gay food. Nothing wasted here. It’s like saying “If you are willing to eat shit, you could have all the food you want for free”.
15) Who’s the man and who is the woman?
Whichever one is not on our period! ……erm wait we’re both men!