The Gay Stepdad

When you think of a happily married gay couple, you would be forgiven for thinking that we run perfect houses oozing with style, cook fabulous meals of Duck a l’orange with potatoes dauphinois and have fresh-cut flowers delivered by ‘the help’ three times a week.

Sorry to destroy the myth, but in the case of our family- you couldn’t be further from the truth.  We don’t have 2 saucepans that match,  we don’t own any chrome and if you want a fork…well you’ll just have to wash one up! Time spent plumping  up the scatter cushions and spritzing the egyptian cotton bed-sheets is better spent picking up abandoned knickers, removing cat shit from the garden and febreezing the sofa.

Yes – I am a disgrace to the gay community- I leave the house with bad hair, I only own about 6 pairs of shoes and I can cook about 5 different dishes, most of which come from a jar and are rotated on a weekly basis, complimented by dodgy takeaways and that ‘beige’ food that you throw in the oven and serve with spaghetti hoops.

I often thought I’d like to be a good cook and spend hours in the kitchen preparing a culinary masterpiece -but to maintain a body like mine, you can’t keep it waiting for periods of time, long enough to massage your chinese water spinach with olive oil and lemon zest.  As for ‘the great british bake off’ our house is more often the great tea-time stand off, a microwave chicken tikka for one, a pot noodle for the other and a throw-in -the -oven pizza from aldi for us grown ups…So in terms of being the stereotype gay family- we are out of the game….out like a fat girl in a two piece.

Here are some other myths about the modern shirt -lifter that we can personally dismantle.

Myth– We have built in walk in wardrobes with an abundance of designer clothes with an outfit for every occasion

Reality – We have 2 ikea wardrobes, shoddily assembled and crammed with un-ironed clothes from Primark, Next and the odd Hollister t-shirt. Most of our clothes lay in fallow, while we attempt to lose enough weight to get back into the left hand side of the wardrobe, consequently we rotate from work suit to onesie and dread attempting ‘those jeans’.Our biggest fear is the dreaded ‘smart casual’ instruction. Our clothes are smart or casual- not both.

Myth – We have fantastic ripped bodies and go to the gym 5 times a week

Reality – We have impressive bodies, that for sure. The only thing that is impressive is when we get on the scales  it’s anyones guess as to the final ‘weigh in’. (After the scales have gone round a couple of times). As for the gym, you have the word confused with ‘kebab house’.

Myth – We are out every weekend

Reality – True, we do tend to frequent Aldi at the weekend to stock up on cheap chocolate and beige food. As for socialising, we may go to Karaoke every couple of months on a Thursday….get totally bladdered on Sambucas and regret it for the next 3 days.

Myth – We are in love with Kylie.

Reality– Ok so this one is true.

Myth -We are all great at interior design.

Reality– Thats too much like hard work, our walls are magnolia, our scatter cushions are from Dunelm and the dust on our feature lamp clashes hideously with the cobwebs on the coving.

Myth –  We eat artisan food and always cook from scratch

Reality – Anyone who eats Quinoa, goji berries and Kale should be lined up against a wall and shot. Our idea of a Super Food is when McDonalds are doing the ‘Big Tasty’.

Myth – We spend our weekends watching musicals followed by ‘gone with the wind’.

Reality– True

Myth– We wake up to a medley of Madonna, Lady Gaga, Bette Midler and Cher which sets us up for the day

Reality– We wake up to children arguing about who ate the last brioche, who’s turn it is on the laptop, and which excuse they are going to use today for not brushing their teeth.

Myth– We all have a Princess Diana shrine

Reality– No but we do have 2 children’s bedrooms that look like the aftermath of the Pont de l’alma tunnel on that fateful night.