The Gay Stepdad

There is no greater form of wit than British humour, this post is dedicated to some of the greats who just so happen to have said some quite funny stuff in their time. Only a true Brit will understand the humour in some of these quotes, so if you are reading from outside the UK and don’t understand, feel free to ask questions and I will attempt to explain.

1. London is the Financial Capital, Wigan is the Pie capital. – Sue Nelson
2. I don’t speak French, I don’t speak English…I am from Yorkshire. – Geoffrey Boycott
3. The only possible way there would be an uprising in this country is if they banned Car-Boot sales and caravanning. – Victoria Wood
4. East Angular- That’s abroad innit? – Jade Goody, Big Brother
5. Did you hear Fred West’s house is up for sale? What a terrible place that would be to live….Gloucester.- Frank Skinner
6. The word ‘gay’ in Newcastle means ‘owns a coat’.- Jimmy Carr
7. People in the North die of ignorance and crisps. –Edwina Currie
8. Environmentalists tell us every day that an area the size of Wales is destroyed. Why is it never Wales?- Jimmy Carr
9. Why are  Union Jacks like Margaret Thatcher’s knickers? Because no power on earth can pull them down. – Spike Milligan
10. He’s as doomed as a virgin on a first date with Rod Stewart. – Owen Newitt, The Vicar of Dibley
11. I am an optimist, but I’m an optimist who carries a raincoat. – Harold Wilson
12. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.- Bob Monkhouse
13. They say that ‘sorry’ is the hardest word but they’re wrong. It’s that Welsh name of a railway station’. – Harry Secombe
14. We had to put a stop to the presentation of Debutantes at Court. Every tart in London was getting in.- The Princess Margaret
15. God must hate common people, because he made them so common. – Philip Wylie
16. Builder’s bum is one of Britain’s great institutions. –Frank Douglas
17. If there’s one thing I can’t stand its snobbism. People who pretend they’re superior make it so much harder for those of us who really are. – Hyacinth Bucket, Keeping Up Appearances
18. I wouldn’t kidnap a man for sex, but I’m not saying I couldn’t use someone to oil the mower.- Victoria Wood
19. A woman who does a man’s work is just a lazy cow .- Jo Brand
20. I could never be a feminist/lesbian as there is nothing more pleasurable than the sight of the bottom of  a washing basket on a washday.- Caroline Aherne
21. We think they’re marvellous. And besides, if we didn’t have any here, we’d have to go self service.- The Queen Mother on Gays
22. Most transvestites are just regular guys, who occasionally like to eat, drink and be Mary. – Joe Joseph
23. I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body – A bit like Martina Navratilova. – Eddie Izzard
24. You can get gay anything now: gay coffee, gay lager- it’s like straight lager, it just goes down much easier.- Graham Norton
25. Why do girls fake orgasms? – Because they think we care. – Bob Geldoff
26. Oh you are awful…but I like you. – Dick Emery
27. The secret of marital happiness is simple: drink in different pubs to your other half.- Jilly Cooper
28. A kid loses his mum in Tesco’s. The supervisor says, “What’s she like? The kid says “Big dicks and vodka.” – ANON
29. John McCririck looks like Worzel Gummidge after an incident with a letter bomb. – Victor Lewis-Smith
30. What about this fog? My pussy’s been gasping all night. – Mrs Slocombe, Are you being served?                             
31. I can’t stand innuendo, If I see one in a script, I whip it out immediately.- Kenneth Williams
32. Not ‘what’, ‘who’. Didn’t they learn you no grammar in school? – Hilda Ogden, Coronation StreetIf you like my blog, please get to know me better and visit my social media pages by clicking the links belowFacebook

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