Don’t be Jel…be Reem!

Holidays!

In a vain attempt to entertain  the children during the Easter Holidays and draw them away from Youtube and Easter eggs for an hour, we decided to take them to Laser Planet.

Laser planet (or Quasar as it was called in my day), conjured up images of a plethora of ‘ADHD infested’ brats with their ‘council’ mums in tow, running around a dark room to hide the fact that they have no teeth….. We weren’t wrong.

With this in mind, we donned our Vivienne Westwood shirts and Christian LaCroix pumps and rocked up in the Landrover. We’d booked ahead and arrived in time to be split into two teams, red and green. There were a mixture of children and adults, ages ranging from 4 to… (how old am I again?).

My husband and I were on the green team, we were the only adults in the green team, so armed with the phaser..we took ‘Benefits Britain’ head on, in a fight to reign supreme.  We deployed a tactical strategy, I would take out Chantelle, the  ‘pasty eating, legging wearing’ bloater and he would covertly destroy ‘Juanita’ ,  the pink velour ‘tracksuit -wearing’  fiend (with one tooth…hence the name).

Chantelle was easy pickings…carrying 6 stone she didn’t want, she wasn’t very agile on her feet and struggled to get round corners without wedging herself against the walls. I did lose her for a few minutes when somebody shouted ‘Gregg!’, she must have thought they said ‘Greggs’ and dive bombed for a sausage roll.

Juanita’s choice of clothing was detrimental to her performance as the pink velour made her look like as psychedelic as an extra in a ‘Frankie goes to Hollywood’ music video. Alas when she stacked it into basecamp, nearly knocking out her last tooth…it was more like ‘Juanita goes to hospital’.

Without breaking into a sweat, we completely annihilated the opposition, taking out a few ankle- biting, kids in the process and the green team won the game. We made haste to the exit, eager to remove the stench from our clothes.

Chantelle was sweating like a blind lesbian at Billingsgate Fish Market, while Juanita gathered her 17 kids together and they sat down to their meal of Turkey Twizzlers and chips.

We walked out without a hair out of place and  they all stared at us as we walked  to Prezzo’s for brunch.

Ciao Bitches!

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26 thoughts on “Don’t be Jel…be Reem!

  1. Ritu April 15, 2017 / 9:05 am

    LOL!!! Oh I remember the days of Quasar!

    Like

  2. suzie81speaks April 15, 2017 / 9:07 am

    You’re hilarious… Brought back memories of Laser Quest in Bolton when I was a teenager…

    Like

    • The Gay Stepdad April 15, 2017 / 4:50 pm

      I was gonna say I bet yours was a bit more upmarket… then I read ‘Bolton’!

      Like

  3. noellekelly April 15, 2017 / 9:25 am

    Haha, I can see this all so clearly in my head 🙂 I used to love Quazar!

    Like

    • The Gay Stepdad April 15, 2017 / 4:49 pm

      The pink velour tracksuit and ‘Evans’ thong is still giving me nightmares!

      Like

  4. thebeasley April 15, 2017 / 9:39 am

    HAHAHA. Tres funny. Love me some Laser Quest action me.

    Like

    • The Gay Stepdad April 15, 2017 / 4:48 pm

      You’d have loved the thrill but of taking out these chavs….it was the Line-Haywards versus the Battersby’s.

      Like

  5. wellingtonwt April 15, 2017 / 10:00 am

    I may not know what Laser Quest is, but I can imagine what’s happening. This is so funny!

    Like

    • The Gay Stepdad April 15, 2017 / 4:46 pm

      You’re missing out… total satisfaction watching the pond scum panting like an asthmatic hippo

      Like

  6. emfletche April 15, 2017 / 12:08 pm

    This made me chuckle so much I spat out a little bit of my Subway lunch…. Thank God I don’t have to suffer through “fun” activities such as Laser Quest (yes, it was Qasar in my day too…) 😂

    Like

    • The Gay Stepdad April 15, 2017 / 4:43 pm

      Ooh subway…. I bet your face covered in meatball marinara looked totes amaze!

      Like

      • emfletche April 15, 2017 / 4:51 pm

        It was tuna but the result was the same… 😀

        Like

  7. hotmessmemoir April 15, 2017 / 2:27 pm

    I LOVE laser tag (as we call it in the states)! Putting on war paint and camo is not out of the question and I usually focus on the most vulnerable targets to get points: toddlers. It takes everything in me not to run(we aren’t allowed to run in the arena) and do fancy rolls on the ground so I do an epileptic mall walk. Loved this post!

    Like

  8. Traci York April 15, 2017 / 5:10 pm

    Never done the laser tag thing, but hubby & the kids have done paint ball a couple of times for friend’s birthdays – who doesn’t love a party that leaves you covered in bruises? I can picture this though, and it’s totally cracking me up! 😀

    Like

    • The Gay Stepdad April 15, 2017 / 5:19 pm

      I was cracking up… so was Juanita’s tooth when she face-planted the wall!

      Like

  9. josypheen April 16, 2017 / 12:50 pm

    This is hilarious! Good work eliminating those chavs! 😀

    Like

  10. Donna O April 17, 2017 / 10:11 am

    Absolutely love your post! Haven’t stopped laughing! Know exactly what you mean about clientele. In fact off to show my husband your post as we’ve both suffered the same circumstance and ensured we annihilated the opposition (in a walking ish type of movement 😒) good ol’ Quasar – it never fails to disappoint! 😂

    Like

  11. fattymccupcakes April 17, 2017 / 5:10 pm

    Oh snap!! This was hilarious! We have laser tag here in the states, but it is usually just smelly kids. The mental images of those two beauties is just…OH MY!! LOL!!!

    Like

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