Gay Man Code

Gay Man Code

This year celebrates 50 years since the partial decriminalisation of homosexuality in the UK. Since 1967, the UK has led the way with equality, however there are some ground rules.

To be a proper ‘Friend of Dorothy’ , please observe the following code at all times:

  1. You will forever refer to Deirdre Barlow as ‘Deirdre Rachid’.
  2. ‘I am what I am’ is your national anthem…and you lip sync with pride at the dramatic and timely key change.
  3. You will have Cher’s back until the grave.

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4. You will spontaneously find the urge to stop everything and say …………

“Im Liesl, Im 16 years old and I don’t need a Governess”

5. The quotes of your life are provided by Linda La Hughes and RuPaul.

6. You sent a tweet to check Madonna was ok after her horrific demise at the Brit Awards.

7. When someone tells you, you’re not their mother, you hastily respond…’ YESSS III AAMMMMMM!’

8. You chuckle when someone asks if you are a giver or a taker and reply….”It’s top and bottom darling.”

9. You know all the words to ‘I dreamed a dream’ from Les Miserables.

10. When you want a wall knocking down, you just get a lesbian to lean against it.

11. Getting on a bus is almost as unforgivable as shopping in Matalan.

12. You will travel  to Mecca, Gran Canaria at least once in your lifetime.

13. Your kitchen is filled with chrome.

14. You refer to Bet Lynch as a fashion icon.

15. You think Ed Sheehan is like poppers…over-rated.

16. You remember how shit ‘Gaydar’ was.

17. You think David Gest was a closet…for marrying Liza with a Z.

18.You think this is the gayest picture ever  …and want to hang it in your living room.

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19. When you shop for clothes..you say the word ‘couture’ at least 100 times an hour

20. You think Donald Trump is a c**t

21. When you leave the supermarket with your man…it is always appropriate to say (in the style of Meryl Streep);  “Do you remember where we parked the car?”

22. When deciding your favourite X Factor judge..it is only EVER between Nicole Scherzinger and Dannii Minogue.

23. Your favourite film is ‘Beautiful Thing’.

24. You can’t watch Beaches or Steel Magnolias without scrying (sing -crying)

25. You sky plus ‘Long Lost Families’ so that you can have a good sob.

26. As much as you love Holly Willoughby, you resent her for stealing Cilla’s spot on ‘Surprise Surprise’.

27. You instantly recognised when Pat Butcher wore the same earrings twice.

28. ‘Steptacular’  is the soundtrack to your life.

29. You signed the petition to kill Fenner off in Bad Girls, after what he did to Yvonne Atkins.

30.. You do not, and have never owned a pair of crocs.

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This is how you run things President Trump….A lesson from Bet Lynch

 

Bet_lynch_50th

Donald,

Alright cock, I heard you just got top job over’t water and having been’t most successful landlady of  t’Rovers, I thought I’d teach you the ropes as nobody knows nowt better than me for pulling in’t punters. Get it? Got it?….Good!

As a former ‘Miss Weatherfield’, factory worker  and barmaid, I , like you, wanted bigger and better things, and landed the Manageress’ job of t’Rovers Return in 1985. (After Annie Walker retired, I was voted in by the local residents – it was a clear victory).

I was hugely admired by everyone on’t Street, so I thought I would give you a few pearls of wisdom that will help you out, chuck, cause I saw more in my lifetime before I was 20 than you’ll probably see in your entire life- and I didn’t even leave my own back yard.

  1. Teamwork – It’s always good to have people that look out for ya chuck, and it works both ways…..don’t go building any walls between you and ‘t neighbours…you never know when you’ll need a kidney. I’ll never forget when ‘t  Rovers burnt down…..if it weren’t for Sally and Kevin Webster….I’d be a gonna!  Look after ‘t neighbours
  2. Boost people’s self esteem – You ‘ave to take an interest in the people beneath ya and stick up for them in times of need, I could tell you a thing or two about when I helped ‘our Liz MacDonald’ escape from her Jim…and even though Betty’s hotpot tasted like bowl of bin-juice..I still complimented her on her efforts. It’s not all about you Mr. Trump.
  3. Empathy – A good leader stands in the shoes of their people and sees things from their perspective, so it’s no good forking out on Ralph Lauren ‘get  up’, when there’s nowt wrong with leopard print…tell Melania I’ve had some lovely bargains in C&A!
  4. Integrity -Leave the pussy alone love, if you want people to like ya, you’ll have to lead by example and stop fraternising with women.  I learned a very good lesson myself when I was mucking about with Len Fairclough….Rita and I have never really spoken since.
  5. Gravitas – How can people take you seriously when you’ve got ‘mop on ya head ….I’ve always gone for a “Croydon Face lift’ when it comes to hair styling…always tidy and kept of t’face….and twitter?- for pity’s sake love…your the President not Katie Hopkins…gerroff it!! Spend less time being a racist bigot and more time in’t salon. Our Audrey would work wonders on ya love.

I hope you take my advice, I know how tough it is starting out…but mark my words chuck, if you do as I say…one day you may be just as successful as me.

Yours Truly

Bet Lynch

 

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