Summer Fails

Over the last few days Britain has had a period of ‘tropical weather’, which is heading for the hottest June in the UK in 20 years! Undoubtably, despite the endless Facebook updates from ‘Wincy Willis wannabes’ explaining how hot it is….and how they can’t sleep..blah blah, it is the best time of the year!

Not just because those of us without ‘ginger skin’ can get out and have a go at a sun tan, and dine ‘al fresco’, but the overdose of vitamin D is good for your physical and mental health. Evidently the same people moaning about the hot weather are the same people whinging that it is too cold in January.

That said, I do have some complaints about some of the things I see during our ‘5 day UK Summer’Firstly the traditional ‘Fat Bird’s uniform‘  is replaced by a pshycodelic maxi- dress, and open sandals showing off a lot more leg and hoof than I’d like to see. As these units pile into Sainsbury’s to stock up on Cornetto’s and party food, the rest of the general public are subjected to a impromptu glimpse of their ‘thighgina’

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   Thighgina anyone?

  • Talking of shops…Summer happens every year (to a fashion), so why do all the drinks, ice creams and all things seasonal run out of stock? Its like every supermarket manager is taken by surprise every year that they might sell more cold drinks.  All the shops are busier…where have all these people been for the rest of the year? It’s like the job centre have handed out food vouchers!
  • Having put a bit of weight on myself, I now have first hand experience of chafing!  Thigh Chafe, Belly overhang chafe, sideboob chafe. Wearing a suit to work should be outlawed immediately, nobody should be getting through the amount of sudocream than I am using to soothe the sores caused by my clammy existence.
  • Melted Chocolate!…another schoolboy ‘shop’ error… why is the chocolate always near the window?
  • People out running when it get’s past 25 degrees is not a good look. Do these people not realise that ‘everything becomes visible in their spandex when they are parading like a hot mess of arse sweat and frizz?
  • Intimate shaving is a definite downside of summer, as the weather becomes ‘vest top-worthy’ there is that unenviable task of hacking away at the winter growth whilst trying to avoid the inevitable ‘ingrowing hair’.

Here are just a few things that I dislike about summer, but it still remains my favourite time of year and if it could be summer all year round, that would suit me just fine.

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Chubby McSideboob Joins Fat Club

Chubby McSideboob Joins Fat Club

In a last ditched attempt to shed a few pounds before the summer, I have submitted to joining a well known slimming club that meets every Wednesday in my local church hall. ….I only went because I thought there might be free bread and wine left over from Holy Communion.

If any of you have ever watched ‘Little Britain’ with Marjorie Dawes ‘body shaming’ a load of ‘out of work, lard-arsed Heffers, then this pretty much replicates one of those scenes.

To be fair…most of these (mostly) women obviously don’t get out much, and this is very much the highlight of their week. My husband and I ventured down to the grotty hall, that stank of ‘dust’ and old people and chuckled profusely at the profferings of the great ‘unwashed’ of Hemel Hempstead.

We were met by the group leader (hardly slimmer of the year herself) and taken into the Sunday School room where we sat on tiny children’s chairs.  I think this was a ploy to see who would be the first the break one of the chairs and be branded a fatty….we still hadn’t paid at this point.

We went round and introduced  ourselves, heads in shame, as we declared how many pounds  stones we had to lose to reach our target weight.  Half way through the session an African lady walked in…didnt catch her name, but as soon as she realised that curried goat was off limits…she abruptly left…never to be seen again.

After we had signed up, weighed in and received our welcome packs, we joined the rest of the group, bought a ticket for the raffle…(only to find that the prize was a basket of old battered fruit and veg), and sat down for what can only be described as the most boring/funny hour of my life, We had to sit and listen to everyone’s success stories, or excuses why they hadn’t lost any weight …or put weight on.  I had hoped that it didn’t go on too long, I had a Chinese takeaway on order.

Here are some of the characters we were subject to over the next hour:

The Serial Slimmer

This woman looked like Brigitte Nielson on smack…obviously an avid slimmer, who reached her target weight many years beforehand. Everytime  someone mentioned anything about food, she interjected with phrases like; “Have you tried sprinkling Paprika on it”, and ‘Use Muller light instead of cream”.  Seriously love….fuck off. What are you even doing here?…you are 6ft tall and weigh about a stone….go home and eat!

The one with every excuse

‘Well I only lost half a pound this week, because, well, right, I had an operation on my face, and Im taking steroids, and steroids are known to make you gain weight…and I’m retaining water….and I’m on my period…and ..and …and…Its not my fault..I have an overactive thyroid”.   No love…you have an overactive knife and fork…MOVE ALONG!

The One that can’t be bothered

“So Barbara…how much are you going to commit to losing this week?”

“Im going to stay the same, I just can’t seem to lose any weight, I just can’t do it”.   Eerrm…love you just spent £5 to sit down and say that…what are you even doing here? If you don’t want to lose weight then go home …via McDonalds.

Slimmer of the Week

Oh please….she lost 3 pounds…and she could do with losing another 3 stone…and thats just from her ankles.

The comedian

This guy just wanted to turn everything into a joke….another tortured soul that thinks he should be doing stand-up…..but the joke was on him when he weighed in and put on two pounds…he wasn’t expecting that punchline…but we got the joke.

 

We left the group with details of the website and Facebook group…and if sitting for an hour wasn’t bad enough, the conversation continues on social media…with a plethora of people who were unable to make it…but furnished us with pictures of every meal they had eaten that week.   Brigitte Nielsen (aka Delia Smith), had commented on every one…..’just put a bit of vinegar on it’.

Fuck My Life!

We’ll be back next week….purely for the comedy element.

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