Educating Buddha

Educating Buddha

“You should try yoga”, they said. “It’ll be fun”, they said.

I arrived with much anticipation to become acquainted with the other participants of this ancient Indian practice. My mind recalled images of monks meditating at Varanasi and the Ganges in bright and colourful robes, adorned with flowers around their necks, whilst the distant sound of Tuk Tuk’s can be heard in the nearby city, delivering spices and tea to the shanty towns and street sellers. The smell of said spices, ruminating into the atmosphere, strengthened by the heat of the North Indian climate.

I was brought back to earth when I was met in the local Sport Centre by our spiritual guide….”Swami Linda”.

Was it fun? You could definitely say it was relaxing and fairly achievable on the cardio scale..once you have gotten past the smell of 75 year old camembert and an eyeful of the obligatory ‘Fat Bird’s uniform’, (leggings and a wavy top).

I had dressed myself in the only clothes that I deemed suitable for clambering around on the floor with the ‘blue rinse brigade’ , who would soon begin eying up the fresh meat….and predictably the only man in the class. (Awkward)

 

As I grabbed a mat, my phone vibrated and the flirting grannies soon focussed their attention to my misdemeanour, tutting away like a bunch of bingo regulars after the announcement of a ‘false call’. Before being lynched, I turned my phone off and awaited the instructions of the lesbian vegan bookshop owner – come yoga instructor for our 1st ‘pose’.

‘Breathe in” ,she said.

“Put your left leg under your right arm….”

“Put your foot on your elbow…”

“Put your little toe in your ear”

Struggling to keep up with Doris and Betty, I was turning blue…I hadn’t been told to breathe out yet and I didn’t want to get it wrong. Also It was a good job I had learned to fart silently because apart from the sound of the whale mating call on the ghetto-blaster and the odd groan from Sylvia, it was deathly quiet, and with some of the positions i was getting into, it was inevitable that any trapped air would need an escape route. In the eerie silence I had to have a good glance round every now and then to make sure there were still 18 people breathing.

As I turned to my left, I was met with Mary’s foot fungus. Clearly she hasn’t seen her feet in a few years, but you could have garnished an entire vat of spaghetti bolognese with the parmesan coming off her trotters.

On my right (I daren’t look), Joyce’s leggings were extremely fitting, and as much as she did her best to camouflage an earlier prolapse with her green oversized tabard, it wasn’t working, and it looked like she was smuggling jammy dodgers.

“Right….get into the plank position!!’, shouted Swami Linda.

Am I supposed to know this?  I think I’ll just copy Doris.

“Assume the Tree position!” – Yep, that is fairly self explanatory.

“Downward Dog!”…ok Im definitely familiar with this one, albeit self taught!

I spent a good 40 minutes getting myself into fairly awkward positions and then a further 20 minutes meditating, well in my case, having a kip. As the class ended , I made a hasty exit while the W.I continued their mother’s meeting in the cafe.

Will I be going again?   HELL YES!

Namaste

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Funny British Quotes

The Gay Stepdad-2

There is no greater form of wit than British humour, this post is dedicated to some of the greats who just so happen to have said some quite funny stuff in their time. Only a true Brit will understand the humour in some of these quotes, so if you are reading from outside the UK and don’t understand, feel free to ask questions and I will attempt to explain.

  1. London is the Financial Capital, Wigan is the Pie capital. – Sue Nelson
  2. I don’t speak French, I don’t speak English…I am from Yorkshire. – Geoffrey Boycott
  3. The only possible way there would be an uprising in this country is if they banned Car-Boot sales and caravanning. – Victoria Wood
  4. East Angular- That’s abroad innit? – Jade Goody, Big Brother
  5. Did you hear Fred West’s house is up for sale? What a terrible place that would be to live….Gloucester.- Frank Skinner
  6. The word ‘gay’ in Newcastle means ‘owns a coat’.- Jimmy Carr
  7. People in the North die of ignorance and crisps. –Edwina Currie
  8. Environmentalists tell us every day that an area the size of Wales is destroyed. Why is it never Wales?- Jimmy Carr
  9. Why are  Union Jacks like Margaret Thatcher’s knickers? Because no power on earth can pull them down. – Spike Milligan
  10. He’s as doomed as a virgin on a first date with Rod Stewart. – Owen Newitt, The Vicar of Dibley
  11. I am an optimist, but I’m an optimist who carries a raincoat. – Harold Wilson
  12. How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you are on.- Bob Monkhouse
  13. They say that ‘sorry’ is the hardest word but they’re wrong. It’s that Welsh name of a railway station’. – Harry Secombe
  14. We had to put a stop to the presentation of Debutantes at Court. Every tart in London was getting in.- The Princess Margaret
  15. God must hate common people, because he made them so common. – Philip Wylie
  16. Builder’s bum is one of Britain’s great institutions. –Frank Douglas
  17. If there’s one thing I can’t stand its snobbism. People who pretend they’re superior make it so much harder for those of us who really are. – Hyacinth Bucket, Keeping Up Appearances
  18. I wouldn’t kidnap a man for sex, but I’m not saying I couldn’t use someone to oil the mower.- Victoria Wood
  19. A woman who does a man’s work is just a lazy cow .- Jo Brand
  20. I could never be a feminist/lesbian as there is nothing more pleasurable than the sight of the bottom of  a washing basket on a washday.- Caroline Aherne
  21. We think they’re marvellous. And besides, if we didn’t have any here, we’d have to go self service.- The Queen Mother on Gays
  22. Most transvestites are just regular guys, who occasionally like to eat, drink and be Mary. – Joe Joseph
  23. I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body – A bit like Martina Navratilova. – Eddie Izzard
  24. You can get gay anything now: gay coffee, gay lager- it’s like straight lager, it just goes down much easier.- Graham Norton
  25. Why do girls fake orgasms? – Because they think we care. – Bob Geldoff
  26. Oh you are awful…but I like you. – Dick Emery
  27. The secret of marital happiness is simple: drink in different pubs to your other half.- Jilly Cooper
  28. A kid loses his mum in Tesco’s. The supervisor says, “What’s she like? The kid says “Big dicks and vodka.” – ANON
  29. John McCririck looks like Worzel Gummidge after an incident with a letter bomb. – Victor Lewis-Smith
  30. What about this fog? My pussy’s been gasping all night. – Mrs Slocombe, Are you being served?                             
  31. I can’t stand innuendo, If I see one in a script, I whip it out immediately.- Kenneth Williams
  32. Not ‘what’, ‘who’. Didn’t they learn you no grammar in school? – Hilda Ogden, Coronation StreetIf you like my blog, please get to know me better and visit my social media pages by clicking the links belowFacebook

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Chubby McSideboob Joins Fat Club

Chubby McSideboob Joins Fat Club

In a last ditched attempt to shed a few pounds before the summer, I have submitted to joining a well known slimming club that meets every Wednesday in my local church hall. ….I only went because I thought there might be free bread and wine left over from Holy Communion.

If any of you have ever watched ‘Little Britain’ with Marjorie Dawes ‘body shaming’ a load of ‘out of work, lard-arsed Heffers, then this pretty much replicates one of those scenes.

To be fair…most of these (mostly) women obviously don’t get out much, and this is very much the highlight of their week. My husband and I ventured down to the grotty hall, that stank of ‘dust’ and old people and chuckled profusely at the profferings of the great ‘unwashed’ of Hemel Hempstead.

We were met by the group leader (hardly slimmer of the year herself) and taken into the Sunday School room where we sat on tiny children’s chairs.  I think this was a ploy to see who would be the first the break one of the chairs and be branded a fatty….we still hadn’t paid at this point.

We went round and introduced  ourselves, heads in shame, as we declared how many pounds  stones we had to lose to reach our target weight.  Half way through the session an African lady walked in…didnt catch her name, but as soon as she realised that curried goat was off limits…she abruptly left…never to be seen again.

After we had signed up, weighed in and received our welcome packs, we joined the rest of the group, bought a ticket for the raffle…(only to find that the prize was a basket of old battered fruit and veg), and sat down for what can only be described as the most boring/funny hour of my life, We had to sit and listen to everyone’s success stories, or excuses why they hadn’t lost any weight …or put weight on.  I had hoped that it didn’t go on too long, I had a Chinese takeaway on order.

Here are some of the characters we were subject to over the next hour:

The Serial Slimmer

This woman looked like Brigitte Nielson on smack…obviously an avid slimmer, who reached her target weight many years beforehand. Everytime  someone mentioned anything about food, she interjected with phrases like; “Have you tried sprinkling Paprika on it”, and ‘Use Muller light instead of cream”.  Seriously love….fuck off. What are you even doing here?…you are 6ft tall and weigh about a stone….go home and eat!

The one with every excuse

‘Well I only lost half a pound this week, because, well, right, I had an operation on my face, and Im taking steroids, and steroids are known to make you gain weight…and I’m retaining water….and I’m on my period…and ..and …and…Its not my fault..I have an overactive thyroid”.   No love…you have an overactive knife and fork…MOVE ALONG!

The One that can’t be bothered

“So Barbara…how much are you going to commit to losing this week?”

“Im going to stay the same, I just can’t seem to lose any weight, I just can’t do it”.   Eerrm…love you just spent £5 to sit down and say that…what are you even doing here? If you don’t want to lose weight then go home …via McDonalds.

Slimmer of the Week

Oh please….she lost 3 pounds…and she could do with losing another 3 stone…and thats just from her ankles.

The comedian

This guy just wanted to turn everything into a joke….another tortured soul that thinks he should be doing stand-up…..but the joke was on him when he weighed in and put on two pounds…he wasn’t expecting that punchline…but we got the joke.

 

We left the group with details of the website and Facebook group…and if sitting for an hour wasn’t bad enough, the conversation continues on social media…with a plethora of people who were unable to make it…but furnished us with pictures of every meal they had eaten that week.   Brigitte Nielsen (aka Delia Smith), had commented on every one…..’just put a bit of vinegar on it’.

Fuck My Life!

We’ll be back next week….purely for the comedy element.

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37 lessons in 37 years

37 lessons in 37 years

In my 37 (nearly 38) years on planet earth, I have learned some lessons that go some way to explaining the meaning of life.  Here is one for every year….they are very deep and meaningful.

  1. Pigs definitely do fly….and they always end up sitting next to me on the plane.
  2. Always check for toilet paper before your cheeks touch the rim.
  3. Don’t leave loose change where your husband can find it.
  4. Never trust a fart.
  5.  Don’t eat a hot curry the night before a long plane trip
  6. We spend one-seventh of our lives on Mondays, but we don’t need a Facebook reminder that it’s Monday tomorrow…we already know.
  7. If love is blind, then marriage is a real eye-opener.
  8. Thinking about joining a gym is not the same thing as actually joining one.
  9.  Nothing is really worth fighting about…. not when you have a vicious tongue.
  10.  Stop worrying.  Worry does absolutely nothing productive.  The more you worry, the more you reinforce the problem or concern in your brain.
  11.  You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why the clocks go forward/back.
  12.  The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
  13. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 10.
  14.  People who want to share their religious and political views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  15. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be: meetings.
  16.  If I’d conceived a child on my first attempt at sex, that child would be 21 this year
  17. Never play Twister with a full bladder.
  18. Almost anything can be fixed with a Steps song!
  19.  Some people only believe water is for drinking… the dirty smelly bastards.
  20. People with money will sometimes try and tell you what to do, but making daisy-chains costs nothing.
  21. Be very wary of people who use jargon, they are too stupid to use their own words.
  22. There are two types of people: those who work out and those who work.
  23. Hangovers will destroy you, and there is NO cure.
  24. Trust your own taste in music, movies and beer. Even though people will make fun of you for liking Steps… you still know how to ‘stomp’.
  25. ‘Those Crocs really suit you’….said nobody….. EVER!
  26. Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for an hour. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
  27. If you think you are too small to make a difference, try spending the night  with a mosquito.
  28. Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure you are not just surrounded by arseholes.
  29. Accept who you are. Unless you’re a complete twat.
  30. Life is tough; it’s tougher if you’re stupid.
  31.  If someone ever asks you to do something for them, do it really badly so you never have to do it again.
  32. There will be no interesting people in heaven.
  33. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  34.  Never lick a steak knife.
  35.  Taking a selfie with your starbucks cup is not cool.
  36.  Never open an email from a Nigerian Prince that wants to give you all his money.
  37. If you post a picture of your beach holiday every 5 minutes, it means you’re not having fun.

 

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Stepdad Hacks

StepdadHAcks

Last weekend I learned some new techniques to achieve a happy household, many of which included bribes, but hey!, they worked so I thought I would share them:

Teenage girls like to hide themselves in their rooms glued to youtube, snapchat and musical.ly,

Problem: How to get them out of their bedrooms and socialising with the world

Solution: Turn the electric off upstairs or threaten them with Grandma!

Personal hygiene is such a chore when you are teenager of a certain age, having a shower is precious time away from Caspar Lee and Conor Maynard.

Problem: How to get them in the Shower

Solution: Tell them they will end up smelling like…..’enter name of smelliest pikey you know’ here, or threaten them with Grandma.

You have just slaved over a homemade Lasagne and even gone to the trouble of picking out all the mushrooms and are met with ‘ I’m not hungry…I’m full up on biscuits’

Problem: How to make them eat their dinner you spent hours cooking

Solution: Hide all the treats and contents of the fridge, threaten them with Grandma.

When you need to go to the town to pick up some ‘juice’ for your e-cigarette, but the kids don’t want to come, and one of them is too young to be left alone!

Problem: How to get them to leave the house and come shopping with you.

Solution: Promise them a Footlong in Subway, or threaten them with Grandma.

When you want children to appreciate that music was so much better when there is a dance routine!

Problem: How to make them watch the Steps Live 2011 tour while you practice your dance moves!

 Solution: Tell them that Zoella likes Steps, or threaten them with Grandma.

When they haven’t brushed their teeth for 2 days because it’s way too much effort!

Problem: How to make them brush their teeth

Solution: Make them watch the Goonies and tell them if they don’t wash their teeth, they’ll look like Sloth … or threaten them with Grandma.

When they have French, Biology and ‘Social Science’ homework but the priority is getting through that ‘Friends’ box-set

Problem: How to make them do their homework…

Solution: Early easter egg for the 1st one to finish, or threaten them with Grandma.

When one bedroom looks like Beirut, and the other one looks like Big-Foot has been looting.

Problem: How to make them tidy their room

Solution: Give them a £5 budget for  the Pound shop, or threaten them with Grandma.

When you sit down to watch Ant and Dec’s Saturday night Takeaway and there are three different devices on full volume, playing youtube clips.

Problem: How to make them sit down a watch TV together

Solution: Change the password to the wifi…..or threaten them with Grandma.

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Keeping It Real With Kathy Beale

Keeping it Real

Thursday night….a school night..and there I am ‘twatted’, (drunk that is…not a Welsh person’s name).

I haven’t had a drop of alcohol since Christmas Day, partly because the situation hasn’t arisen, and also because I’ve been dosed up on steroids, and the new medication for arthritis (Mincer’s Hip).

So I really needed a good night out and a chance to let my hair down with the husband and a few friends. Feeling like hermits in recent weeks, just the thought of leaving the house gave us the opportunity to have a good pluck of those eyebrows and trim our bushes. The hair on my chest was longer than the hair on my head!

Karaoke at the Rose and Crown…yes I know…true to stereotype, but I do like a good belter and since giving up smoking, Im sounding more and more like Gary Barlow every day..so it would be rude not to get smashed and bang out a few crowd-pleasers to our adoring fans.

Our friend Kerry arrived and we made haste into town without so much as a warm up drink, (we had no mixers). We were shortly joined by Rick, Ross, Katy and her mate…who I’m ashamed to say I was too drunk to catch her name.. I’ll call her…erm.. Lesbian.

You always know when Ross arrives that it’s going to be a messy night, and true to form we downed a few shots along with the obligatory Vodka and Diet Cokes, and started to form our own band. Rick had brought his air guitar, Kerry threw some shapes and we all lip synced for our lives to everyone else songs. The husband and I also had a good go at murdering George Michael. (I realise how terribly insensitive and premature it is to say that….but I meant ‘Don’t let the sun go down on me’)

Half way through the night we were treated to an elongated interval of ‘Play your cards right’. When  the 14th contestant still hadn’t won, it was time to disrupt proceedings by setting off the fire alarm with my super vaping e-cig. The Manager came round with the search committee, looking for the culprit and promptly challenged me on whether I had been vaping directly under the fire alarm.

“Of course not!”, I confirmed …as I peered through the cloud of smoke… like Diane Fossey in “Gorillas in the Mist”

Nevertheless… my plan seemed to work and the air-guitar was go again!  A bit of Girls Aloud, Steps and some 80s nostalgia, that only I seemed to know the words to, because everyone else is like…12 years old.

At the end of the night the music stopped and we were sat pondering which taxi firm to order, that would take us home,via McDonalds,when suddenly our saviour … Kathy Beale arrived to our rescue. Obviously not the real Kathy Beale, but we’ve seen her there a few times and…well..she bloody looks likes her. Kathy said she would take us home via McDonalds in return for an apple pie….you can’t say fairer than that. (Albeit we were a little wary as we knew Kathy had ‘previous’ for ‘looking after men’ in cars)

While Kathy fetched the car from the car -park we sat and observed a pikey couple having a lover’s tiff. I think he’d tried to grab her…this was in Hemel Hempstead…not Appleby Horse Fair.

We honoured our promise of  apple pie for Kathy Beale and also a large meal each, 20 nuggets and mozzarella dippers ..you don’t like to be rude. We sped home, said farewell to Kathy, ate our food and collapsed where we sat.

The next morning, the flashbacks started to come through and we vaguely recalled the Eastenders star taking us home, when the realisation suddenly kicked in. My husband had left his phone in Kathy Beale’s car.  How would we find it? We didn’t know who this lady really was, or where she lived but I was suddenly transported into the 21st century.

Within 30 minutes of realising our loss, and with the help of modern technology…we had found Kathy Beale (real name Sarah…huge disappointment), and the phone was safely returned. The ‘Find my iPhone’ app took us to her house and we instantly recognised her car, we had managed to find her on Facebook via mutual friends and got hold of her phone number.

She came to the door in her best dressing gown with bed- hair like ‘Linda La Hughes’ …all of a sudden she didn’t look like Kathy Beale anymore.

Needless to say we got his phone back and returned home to enjoy our hangovers.

 

 

Source: Indépendant.co.uk

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The Devil wears….leggings

I don’t, nor have ever proclaimed to be a style advisor to women or ‘queer eye for the straight guy’ but I have got to get one thing really clear so that we can spread the word and eliminate a large amount of humiliation and low self esteem in the world..

‘Leggings are not clothes!’

There you have it ladies. When you don a pair of leggings, essentially you are leaving the house with your knickers on (only they are knickers that happen to have 2 legs attached).

If you are going to wear these awful lycra- based ‘skin huggers’ because they are ‘so comfortable’ , then please spare us the accompanying mid-drift top and wear something loose that reaches your knees. (Especially if you have the physique of a fruit machine and the arse the size of Belgium).

I wonder whether you ever notice that at the top of your legs there is a part of your anatomy that is not conducive with skin-tight fabric , with it’s many folds and flaps, leggings make it look like you are smuggling oreos. Equally the stretched thread-bare fabric ‘covering’ your posterior points out every dimple and imperfection, often making it look like a scene from Buzz Aldrin’s cine camera of the Moon landings.

‘But they are so cheap’ , I hear you say.  Well yes they are, thats because they are shit, you wouldn’t see me walking up the shops in my thermal long -johns- I’d probably be arrested.

Nobody wants to see your clam when they are fetching the daily newspaper, no matter how agile and inviting it may be, so please stop this appalling practice now. Throw the leggings away and buy some clothes.

Spread the word…..